After about a decade since I’d attended the last one, I decided to once again check out the Northwest Womens’ Show in Seattle and talked some friends into joining me for the day. It wasn’t hard to convince them – especially when I mentioned the fabulous Jimmy’s On 1st restaurant was literally across the street and we’d be able to take advantage of their killer Happy Hour.
My main motivation to going was one of my fave True Crime authors, Ann Rule, was going to be there. I discovered Ann when I first became enthralled with the study of the serial killer Ted Bundy. He was local as is Ann, who actually was a friend and co-worker of his for years. Her attention to detail and the extensive research she does is amazing enough but when you add in her ability to really get inside the emotional state of these people, well, she’s my hero.
As usual, I was late but thankfully my friends all had incidents that made them even later so for once I was actually sort of one time. Go me!
I get there, wander around for a bit (the celebrity impersonators were pretty good – especially the Gloved One) and then hunted out the area called the “Author’s Corner”. Good thing I did because the minute I walked up, some guy announced that if you get in line, you’ll get a copy of Ann’s latest book FOR FREE and she’ll sign it!!! OMG!!!!! Major fan-girl moment.
I immediately got into line.
So did the two young “ladies” behind me who kept trying to get in front of me until they figured out it was not happening.
And then my nightmare began.
First, it should be no surprise the wine bar was located in the space immediately adjacent to the Author Corner. You’re not surprised, right? Hello, heard of the Hemingway Way to Write?
Okay, I got into line at 12:45. Ann Rule (and her daughter Leslie Rule, also an author) are due to arrive at 1:00 and will be there until 3:00.
Within seconds, the twats behind me start yammering to each other.
“I’m so drunk!”
“What are we in line for?”
“Um, I think it’s some free books. I love free crap.”
“OMG, I so drunk.”
At just a few minutes after 1:00, Ann and Leslie arrive. Yay! They get settled in at the author table on a raised platform and begin their address to the crowd. Us in line are standing off to the side, behind the backdrop of their table and we were about a 100 people long at that point.
“I’ve so gotta pee.”
“I’m still really drunk.”
“You know, I’m so glad Bridgette didn’t come with us, I mean, she’s so all about the drama and I told Jim Bob I really just wanted to spend some time with you for a change.”
“Oh, that’s so sweet! Look at all this bronzer crap I bought. I’ll be bronze for months.”
“Bridgette tweets all the time about stupid stuff. She’s such a gossip. Wish her boyfriend had a brother ’cause I would do so do him. He’s hot.”
Now, Ann Rule is talking and sharing some wonderful insights into writing and researching her crime books – I assume. I can’t hear a word since the drunk idiot girls have diarrhea of the mouth. It’s now 1:30 so I’ve been standing in line in low heeled boots for 45 minutes in one place. My feet hurt.
“You know, I hate it when guys wanna do it when you’re on the rag. That’s so gross!”
“I know! Ew. Some girls like that and Jim Bob wants to sometimes but I’m all, like, dude – no way. Yuck.”
The woman in front of me, a lovely person with killer red pumps who was a vendor promoting the Newport Oregon Seafood Festival, happened to generously mention that Ann just said that the hardest book to write for her was one of both of our faves, “Small Sacrifices”. And then the blathering behind me continued.
“I’m still really drunk – and now I really gotta pee!”
“I know. Did you get that free stuff from the bread place?”
“Yeah. Love free stuff.”
“Yeah, free stuff is great. You know what else is great? Older guys for your first time! They totally know what they’re doing.”
I’m straining forward to aim my ear toward the closest speaker emitting Ann’s voice and willing myself to hear her words of wisdom. My feet are aching and my head is ready to explode at this point. I cannot make out a single word.
Nothing is going my way.
I momentarily think to tell the twats to take turns using the restroom and thereby keeping their place in line but then I’m all – what the hell are you thinking?!?!? Do you really want to encourage them to stay?!?!?
I keep my big mouth shut for a change.
Finally, about 2:30, they start handing out the books and the first people get to have them signed. Gradually the line begins to move. We inch up, closer and closer.
“It hurts I gotta pee so bad!”
We inch a little closer.
Suddenly, drunk girls start to whisper, but loudly, mind you – they are still drunk.
“You know, if we count to three and walk away, maybe no one will notice.”
“Okay. I’ll do it if you will.”
“One, two, three.” This in unison followed by giggling and the twats wobbled off to presumably find more free stuff, after finding the restroom, of course.
Why they needed to count is beyond me, Why they waited two hours to only give up when they were so close, I have no clue. I don’t think they did either. Thankfully, one of them stated earlier she doesn’t plan to procreate.
P.S. – I did get Ann and Leslie’s lovely books signed to me personally so it was worth the suffering!
Have any fun book signing/author stories you’d like to share? Please do!